Losing Taz : The heartbreak of missing a pet

He entered our life as an abandoned feral kitten, shaking, terrified and alone. K rescued him and brought him home, loved and cared for him. He became the youngest of our family of rescue cats. He was a beacon of fun and sunshine in our lives.

Eighteen months later, the sunshine turned to rain.

He passed through our life like a raindrop passing through a moonbeam, shimmering brightly,briefly, then disappearing. On the 27th December 2006, Taz stepped through the catflap and into places unknown. We have not seen him since. I cannot find the words to describe that empty feeling inside when we realised that he was missing. Where are the words that can describe how that empty space in our hearts filled with despair over the mounting hours, days, weeks & months? Taz was, no..is so precious to us. Day in and day out I bled to see the tears on K’s face as another fruitless search is concluded. I watch as she stares into her daydreams, knowing her thoughts are lost in memories of Taz chasing down the garden to wrap his legs around her ankles to trip her, chasing insects across the lawn or sleeping on her chest at night. I wake in the dark hours to find the space beside me empty. I know that she will be gazing through the back bedroom window at the starlit garden searching the shadows, praying and hoping.

It is so difficult, we cannot properly grieve for there is no closure. We have had to have cats put to sleep before, through old age or sickness and we have grieved for them. With Taz, we don’t know where he is. Did someone take him? Is he out there somewhere, lost & alone? We feel that we have failed him.

He stepped through that cat flap into the darkness of a winters eve and into a deeper darkness within our souls. I cannot find the words. Only the emotions, the guilt and the despair.